From Contempt to Connection: A Path Forward for Couples
“Contempt is a refusal to see, and be seen. It is the poison that turns a sacred bond into a battlefield.”
— Dan Allender, The Deeply Rooted Marriage
In every marriage, there are seasons of tension, miscommunication, and disappointment. However, lurking underneath the surface of these struggles is a silent force at work dismantling our relationships. Contempt.
Unlike anger, which can ignite change, contempt slowly corrodes the foundation of a relationship. It’s not just a sign of frustration; it's a symptom of disconnection, unresolved story, and unspoken shame.
Dr. Dan Allender says that contempt is not just a communication problem — it's a spiritual and relational fracture that must be named, grieved, and healed.
What Is Contempt, Really?
Contempt is often described as a mix of anger and disgust. This contempt can be directed towards ourselves or towards others. And while we tend to live most of the time in one or the other, we all tend to vacillate between the two.
Self-contempt
Self contempt is the inward turning of disgust, shame, and criticism. It sounds like:
“I’m so stupid.”
“I’m not lovable.”
“I always mess things up.”
“No wonder they don’t want to be close to me.”
Other Centered Contempt
This is the classic form of contempt — disgust, ridicule, or disdain directed at another person, often your spouse. It sounds like:
“You never get it right.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“I can’t even look at you.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
Where anger says, “I’m upset about this,”
Contempt says, “I’m better than you. You’re beneath me.”
Contempt is emotionally distancing, belittling, and is rooted in superiority or disappointment. It’s the internal voice that degrades, belittles, and punishes you for being imperfect, needy, or human.
Impact of Contempt
It Destroys Emotional Safety
Every healthy relationship needs emotional safety — the sense that it's okay to be vulnerable, make mistakes, and still be loved. Contempt makes safety impossible.
When one partner regularly treats the other with disdain, it creates fear and defensiveness. Instead of being honest or reaching out, the other partner shuts down or lashes back.
The relationship moves from connection to protection. Vulnerability dies.
It Silences Communication
Both versions of contempt say: “I don’t respect you enough to take you seriously.” Over time, this erodes open dialogue. The person on the receiving end of contempt (either yourself or another) will:
Stop expressing needs
Withhold emotions
Avoid bringing up sensitive topics
This silencing effect is subtle but profound. Eventually, you stop talking — not just about problems, but about anything that matters.
Conflict becomes a cold war. Conversations feel unsafe or pointless.
It Kills Intimacy
Intimacy thrives on mutual respect and emotional attunement. Contempt communicates rejection and emotional abandonment — even if physical proximity remains.
This damages:
Emotional intimacy
Sexual connection
Physical affection
Non-verbal warmth (eye contact, tone, touch)
Partners may feel emotionally alone, even while still "together."
It Builds Resentment and Power Struggles
Contempt isn’t just toxic for the target — it also warps the person using it. It becomes a tool to dominate or control.
Eventually, resentment builds on both sides: One feels small, belittled, and hopeless. The other feels justified, defensive, and entitled.
Power replaces partnership. Respect dies.
And while this is happening on the surface, it speaks to something deeper happening underneath. Contempt is the smoke screen of shame. Contempt is always a defense mechanism, one we use to avoid the vulnerability of our own pain, fear, or longing.
It is a way to keep ourselves safe. It says: 'If I make you small, I don’t have to feel how much you’ve hurt me — or how much I still need you.
The Roots of Contempt: Stories We Bring Into Marriage
We have laid out that every marriage is shaped by the unresolved stories we bring from our families, wounds, and early relationships.
Contempt often takes root in these hidden narratives:
The child who never felt heard now silences their partner.
The spouse who grew up with chaos now mocks their partner’s emotions as "too much."
The one who felt invisible withdraws in conflict or assume all the blame.
In each case, contempt is not random — it's the protective armor of someone who's deeply afraid.
Contempt Is Always a Cover for Shame
One of Allender’s most powerful teachings is that contempt is often shame turned outward. If I believe deep down that I’m not worthy of love — and you trigger that belief — I might lash out with disdain instead of risk being exposed. Contempt says, “I will not need you because needing feels dangerous.”
So when we see contempt in a marriage, we must ask:
What shame is this person trying to hide?
What longing have they given up on?
What fear is driving their rejection?
The Cure for Contempt Is Story and Safety
Many couples try to overcome contempt by practicing better communication skills. While techniques matter, healing contempt requires deeper work — the kind that invites both partners to bring their whole selves to the table.
And this draws out the deeper meaning of marriage. One of God’s intents is to use your marriage to bring his gospel healing to our deepest wounds. He wants to usher in the Kingdom through the vehicle of your marriage. What is required of us is the willingness to risk and be vulnerable— which is faith.
Here are some steps towards walking by faith on this journey of redemptive relationships.
1. Name the Story
We start at the beginning, bravely naming the childhood wounds or relational patterns that gave rise to contempt. When done together in an environment of curiosity and humility, this builds compassion and reduces blame.
“When did you first learn that expressing your needs wasn’t safe?” “What were the relational consequences of having needs?”
2. Create Safety for Vulnerability
Contempt thrives in environments where vulnerability is unsafe. Safety doesn’t mean comfort — it means knowing you’ll be met with kindness, not punishment. Once we can understand that the moment of contention is less about what is happening right now and more about our own stories from the past, we can more easily move out of defensiveness and into a position of curiosity and kindness.
“When your partner risks honesty, how do you respond? Are you a safe place for their story?”
3. Grieve What’s Been Lost
Contempt is often the result of unacknowledged grief- dreams deferred, intimacy lost, or trust broken.
Contempt, at its core, isn’t about superiority. It masks the pain of what the relationship was supposed to be… but isn't…Beginning with our most formative relationships and what they were meant to be, but weren't.
You longed for closeness, but got distance.
You expected acceptance, but experienced loneliness.
You hoped for safety, but endured betrayal or emotional abandonment.
When those losses aren’t named, processed, or mourned, they don't disappear — they harden into resentment, and then morph into contempt.
Contempt is grief that has gone numb. It’s the voice of sorrow that no longer believes it will be heard.
“What ache in your marriage have you given up hope of naming?”
4. Replace Judgment with Curiosity
One of our most powerful tools is curiosity. When contempt rises, we can shift from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What story are you acting out right now — and what story am I?”
That simple act of curiosity expresses deep kindness that opens the door for the truths of the Gospel to apply balm to our ancient grief and longing. It carries with it the tone of care and compassion from a God who moved towards his people when they were prickly and hurting- in order to change them with his love. He is there to rewrite the narratives of contempt.
You are beloved, though you make mistakes.
You are chosen, though you feel unloveable.
You are worthy of connection, though you fear being abandoned.
None of this is a result of anything we have done, but because we were created by a loving God and redeemed by his son Jesus.
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Healing contempt doesn’t happen overnight. But when couples begin to honor each other’s stories, name their shame, and create new patterns of connection, contempt no longer holds power. In its place? Something even more sacred: compassion, repair, and renewed delight. The fragrance of the Gospel.
Reflection Questions
Where do I notice contempt in how I speak, act, or withdraw?
What childhood wound might your partner be unintentionally touching in moments of conflict?
How can you create more emotional safety in your daily interactions?
What’s one story from your past that you’ve never shared—but want your partner to understand?
What blessing could you speak over your partner today?
What would it look like to replace contempt with curiosity or kindness today?